So I had a panic attack…

So I had a panic attack, a very serious, mind-spazzing panic attack. Of course at the time I thought it was either a stroke [I’m 19] or my allergic reaction acting up.

No matter, I rushed myself to the ER [conveniently five minutes away] and the guy at the front desk [who remembers my name because I’ve been there so many times] was so kind and made sure I was looked at right away.

Then my Dad called [I texted him the situation] as I sat in a starchy gown [crying, I’d been crying since running out of my house], and he told me I was having an anxiety attack. He calmed me down a bit.

The doctor came in, repeated the same thing, gave me a chill pill, and then the nurse took my blood pressure again [the first time was 150/110, which is NOT good]. But just having calm voices and stuff made the anxiety lessen [the chill pill helped a lot though].

After all that I stopped by the front desk, thanked the desk guy who then asked what happened, and I told him about, well, the combination of asthma [which went away five years ago and suddenly came back], serious allergic reactions, and stress and what it can did/do to me [apparently…it can do a lot of damage].

The short walk home in early [like 2:40am] Sunday morning air had me repeating phrases like “stupid, you are so stupid” and "“cold, s-so cold”. I really was embarrassed, going into the ER crying with my hair messy and no makeup. I lost my voice after a while, but it came back…sorta… It doesn’t sound like my voice, I don’t sound like me, even as I type and reread this.

Now, onto what I must write down so as I never forget. My panic attack, what it felt like. Christ. I closed my eyes and was seeing colorful lights, my body went numb and my fingers shook [they’re still shaking]. My eyes got blurry and my pupils dilated. I felt as if I had to tell my body to breath, meaning it wasn’t breathing on its’ own in a way I felt comfortable. I tried to pace my breathing but couldn’t keep track of it. After a few moments of pacing, I snapped, panicked, and took off to the ER.  

I thought I was going to die, and thank God I live near an ER [by the way I went last night too, for another allergic reaction and got prescribed a God damn epi-pen. Fuck.], and thankfully was seen immediately.

I’m not going to lie and say I’m okay, because I’m not. I feel the allergic reaction under my skin, but most of its in my head? The doctor couldn’t see the rash but I could. What the hell does that say? The reaction feels like a thousand ants crawling under my skin, like endless microscopic needles are prickling down and twisting. 

Am I crazy? Is this stress? Oh I need an inhaler now too, ha. I’m so drained and out of place right now, it’s difficult to type. I don’t feel angry or sarcastic and I can’t laugh at myself right now.

Why can’t I? Because I had a panic attack, and I thought I was going to die. How dramatic, but less than an hour ago [I wrote this at 3 in the morning] I was huffing and crying and begging my Dad to fly up from San Diego [which he still is, just sometime later this week] like I was ten years old. Even my ten year old self would probably shake her head in disbelief. “We only cry on purpose, and we can switch it on and off, but not tonight,” she’d say. Actually, my ten year old self would be in shock and probably have a panic attack of her own. Great, I just reread that last sentence, I should delete but won’t. My eyelids are getting heavy.     

Living by yourself with no family is tough. Living by yourself makes all the bad things you repressed come out and into the open. Living by yourself makes you look strong and independent and gun-ho. Living by yourself makes you weak and question everything you do. Living by yourself makes you forget how much of a babe your are until you’re on the phone crying to your parents.

How lame.

Goodnight.

What I learned: I can make good time if I think I’m dying.