Sick

I’ve been extremely ill lately. First my allergic reactions booked me in the ER for two nights, then they put me on steroids. Steroids suck. They don’t kick in until the last few days [like, today, which is how I’m able to type a legible sentence].

I still made all my classes but am behind in one. I have an internship pending and now carry an inhaler, epi-pen, and a shitload of Benadryl in my bag.

And so while I was feverishly shaking in bed, afraid to fall asleep ‘cause I thought I’d stop breathing, I made a deal with God; if I got better, I’d forgive and apologize to my brother, and I’d forgive my mother. To be honest I really can’t explain my faith, and I don’t want to. I was raised both Protestant and Catholic, but I was never ‘into’ church. I do not use my faith as an excuse to prosecute or judge people [that’s called an opinion, Einstein]. Since going to college I’ve been questioning everything I knew, as well as repressing a lot of memories and trying to move forward. M’kay.

So yeah, I’m doing a bit better. I still get the chills and my face turns pink, my tonsils are swollen, and I lost about three pounds [untapped dietary success, w00t!].

I called my Father today, yadda yadda yadda, I talked to my brother ‘seriously’ for the first time since that whole Winter Break fiasco. I think I had a right to be angry, but anger really does cloud a person’s judgment, and you know what? I don’t like hanging onto those negative feelings, I don’t like wallowing in self-pity, I have better shit to do.

Anyway I talked to Dean. I told him up front I was sorry for being so angry with him, and he admitted I was right for doing so because he did/does do a lot of stupid shit. What shocked me was the instant calmness I felt. Apologizing wasn’t that hard, admitting I was wrong to myself, that was difficult.

I just want to get better and get back into school. I hate being sick. There’s no one here to take care of me, though I’m sure if I lived in an on-campus dorm/apartment, I’d gone insane.